i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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