it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
