so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
