I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize