You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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