Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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