if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can you repeat that, but with context?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
