Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
this is an emotional support booty call
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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