I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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