hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
