I intend to get homeless drunk
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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