got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
