So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
