I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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