Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize