so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How external is "for external use only"?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
