Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
