The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
