At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize