Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
