taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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