Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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