tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize