i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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