Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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