I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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