i always forget guys have bellybuttons
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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