I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
