At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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