sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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