OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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