I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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