if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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