last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
