my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
