Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
