If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
