Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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