just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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