Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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