That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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