I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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