My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
