the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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