my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My vagina is officially offended.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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