Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
