he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
