On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
