He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toyâ€
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