my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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