Cold hands, warm shart.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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