Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize