i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We don't watch enough power rangers
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
