I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
