Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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