3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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