Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
