Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
